Faith, Peace, Pacificsm on other blogs

Faith, Peace, Pacificsm on other blogs

I’m in the shallow end of pacifism here, folks, and my little blog entries are just the beginning of exploring these ideas. Here are some links to other people out there who have though about this stuff longer and harder than I have, and who have some interesting and related things to say.

Le Pretre Noir has an interesting account of his trepidation at having to preach about war last Sunday, and some particularly interesting things to say about the divisive nature of evil.

Eve and Jeanne have been asking good questions about whether nonviolence can effect change in the face of totalitarianism. And Lynn Gaziz-Sax has an interesting response about the experiences she and her husband had in the nonviolent peace movement in Serbia.

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Fourteen Precepts in Fourteen Days:Day Four

Fourteen Precepts in Fourteen Days: Day Four

Fourth: Do not avoid contact with suffering or close your eyes before suffering. Do not lose awareness of the existence of suffering in the life of the world. Find ways to be with those who are suffering by all means, including personal contact and visits, images, sound. By such means, awaken yourself and others to the reality of suffering in the world.
Being Peace, by Thich Nhat Hanh

That there is a global struggle for peace being waged simultaneously with this war seems to me a new phenomena, as though the world has realized that despite all assurances from the American command, wars cannot be “clean” or “surgical”, that the expectation held by the hawks that the Iraquis were simply going to lay down their arms en masse and surrender is of course, a false expectation. That there is a large voice out there, insisting that wars cause suffering, human suffering, that the front page of the Livingston Enterprise yesterday afternoon, a small-town paper in a conservative Republican state, carried a terrible photo of a wounded Iraqui girl, with a caption that told us that she didn’t know yet that her mother and sister had been killed, this seems new.

This war is a terrible thing, but that we are seeing it “live”, so to speak, that as a culture we are not turning away from this suffering, that voices have been raised to protest that violence is not the means by which to relieve the suffering of the Iraqui people, that violence cannot be the means by which to stop violence, can be the seed for a tiny hope.

And if you want to join the effort to acknowledge and relieve the suffering of kids with autism, go read Wampum’s account of the newer, even worse legislation Bill Frist is proposing to protect Eli Lilly from the consequences of using the mercury-based vaccine preservative Thimerosal. Make the calls. Write the letters. As Jim reminds us at The Rittenhouse Review, bloggers had an enormous effect on the Trent Lott situation, so now, while the nation is distracted by the war, a war Senator Frist seems to be using as cover for this legislation, we need to beat the drum, need to make the calls, need to send the faxes. Need to engage with suffering.

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Fourteen Precepts in Fourteen Days: Day Three

Fourteen Precepts in Fourteen Days: Day Three

Third: Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness.
Being Peace, by Thich Nhat Hanh

I suppose waging war against others in order to force them to adopt our views might fit under this heading, wouldn’t it? I don’t really know what to say here, it seems so obvious to me that forcing one’s beliefs on others is wrong, and goes against our core values as Americans as expressed in the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. And of course this is the big divide right now, between those who feel justified forcing their beliefs on others, and those who feel that forcing their beliefs on others is wrong.

The harder part of this precept is the “compassionate dialogue” part — and maybe this is the place to focus our energies. Its so tempting to get sucked into argument, to shout and stomp one’s feet and just tell the opposition that they’re wrong. Compassionate dialogue entails really engaging with the other side. I think of Jimmy Carter when I think of compassionate dialogue. It seems to me that there’s a lot of compassionate dialogue going on out in the blog-o-sphere right now. Sites like Body and Soul, Where’s Raed?, and of course Sean-Paul’s heroic efforts over at The Agonist to keep us up to date on what’s happening in the war while stripping away the interpretive overlay that clogs up the mainstream news coverage (he’s running out of bandwidth though, so Patrick Nielsen Hayden at Electrolite is suggesting that people use the mirror sites located here, here and here) all seem to be participating in compassionate dialogue that seeks to make an end run around fanaticism and narrowness. I guess all we can do is try to keep it up. Try not to lose heart. Try to stay engaged.

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Fourteen Precepts in Fourteen Days: Day Two

Fourteen Precepts in Fourteen Days: Day Two

Second: Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to recieve other’s viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout your entire life and to observe reality in yourself and the world at all times.
Being Peace, by Thich Nhat Hanh

Since I’m not actually a Buddhist, although I’ve read pretty widely in the tradition, and have started sporadically sitting again as my Lenten practice, I asked my friend Wendy, who is a Zen practitioner to keep an eye out in case I go off in a doctrinal ditch, and she reminded me in an email this morning that “we never ‘take’ the precepts. They are always out there, available, like the Dharma. We choose to open ourselves to them and receive them if we’d like. We never take, get, grab, grasp, or use the precepts.” So, let’s all keep in mind that I’m just out here sharing my attempts to open myself to the dharma in a time of global violence and trouble.

Here’s what I was thinking about this second precept, which is, of course, an extension of the first one. I’m thinking the Oscars provide a little example of this precept — first of all, everyone looked really uncomfortable even being there. All dressed up in the middle of a war, a gag order on, in the middle of what is probably the most judgemental group of people in the universe, the LA movie community. But there they were, trying to figure out how to proceed. There were two moments where people tried to break through the weirdness and have their say, and although this is a precept about being nonjudgemental, it seems to me one moment was unsucessful, and one wasn’t. Skillful means here people. We’re talking skillful means.

Now as you know from my earlier post about Bowling for Columbine, I loved that movie. It was a thoughtful and nuanced examination of our culture of guns and violence, and it absolutely deserved to win the Oscar last night. But Michael Moore fell into the trap Thich Nhat Hanh warns about in this second precept. He marched up there “bound to present views” and although it was nice to see someone take a stand, his confrontational approach just kind of didn’t work in that context. People were freaked out. He was so attached to his basic premise (which I tend to agree with) that this is an illegitimate presidency, that he lost the audience and everyone started booing and freaking out and didn’t hear what he had to say next.

And then there was Adrian Brody. First of all, I think the “present views” were that he wasn’t going to win, because he appeared so shocked, and the other nominees appeared so shocked, and then genuinely delighted, and that genuine delight seemed to spread through the auditorium. Suddenly it seemed right to people that this young actor won. An actor who put his heart and soul into a role about oppression and war, in a movie directed by a man who regardless of his sexual history, has suffered unspeakable violence on a personal level and has managed, somehow to go on as an artist. He was charming, and modest, and flustered and about to get shooed off the stage by the orchestra when suddenly he collected himself. And made the orchestra stop (that alone was a shock). And gave a very sweet and tender plea for compassion, for peace, for prayers. He told how he’d learned from playing that part, had gained some insight into how war dehumanizes us all, and he simply asked us all to resist that.

It’s really tempting to dehumanize those who frighten us. I myself, am more than guilty of attachment to my views about the men running this current administration and their humanity. I was against this war, and still think that although Sadaam Hussein is an evil evil man, our violation of international law and aggression in starting this war were also deeply wrong. However, we’re in it now, and I’m trying to practice non-attachment to my views about the military and the legitimacy of using military force. What can we do now but pray for them all? Our soldiers, their soldiers, the civilians on the ground?

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Fourteen Precepts in Fourteen Days

Fourteen Precepts in Fourteen Days
Yesterday, while rereading Being Peace, I came across the fourteen precepts of Thich Nhat Hanh’s InterBeing order of Buddhists, and I thought that since it’s still Lent, and since we are at war, perhaps it might be a useful exercise to take a look at one of them each day. If nothing else, it’ll afford me the chance to keep working toward my goal of starting with peace in my own heart. Which I am finding difficult at the moment.

First: Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. All systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth.

Where to start with this one? As someone raised by divorced parents who each held very firm beliefs about their own righteousness, beliefs that were in direct opposition to one another, and since each of them was convinced that it was desperately important that we kids believe their version, it has become second nature for me to be skeptical of ideologies (this was a huge problem in graduate school, it all would have been so much easier had I been more capable of simply marching along in the post-structuralist lockstep). A big part of my recent troubles with the Catholic Church has been the way the church has turned in the past few years away from the open spirit of inquiry fostered by Vatican II, toward an increasingly rigid orthodoxy. There are any number of Catholics out there who would be more than willing to throw me out, to point the finger and tell me that I’m not a Catholic at all because my theological beliefs don’t line up with theirs. And I struggled with this for a long time. I even left the Church for several years. But whatever. I’m back. I’m out there in the pews, taking my own odd little faith off to Mass with me and trusting the Big Guy to forgive me if I take a different path to the light.

What is it though, that makes absolute truths so attractive to people? We’ve just been led off to war by a bunch of people who are convinced that they possess an absolute truth, and that their absolute truth is so much better than the rest of the world’s that they can just go out there and do what they want. Weren’t those guys who hijacked the planes also fueled by their belief in an absolute truth? Didn’t we already spend several centuries fighting the Crusades? While I agree that Saddaam Hussein is an evil dictator who has perpetrated unspeakable crimes against his people, a people who will be better off without him, I also keep thinking of the Dalai Lama, who has led his people in resistance to oppression through peaceful means.

In my heartbreak and confusion over this war, I’ve also been reading Sharon Salzberg’s book, Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience. Salzberg talks about something she calls “bright faith” – that stage of belief in which one places one’s faith outside oneself, usually in a charismatic teacher. She says that at that early stage in her practice, what I really wanted was for him to give me the definitive word on what was good and what wasn’t, what I could trust and what I couldn’t. I wanted to find in Buddhism a system I could belong to. I wanted to be able to say “I am a Buddhist, and therefore I am compelled to believe the following fifteen things. That’s who I am.” I was trying desperately to reduce the range of choices life was presenting every single day by making one controlling choice. A belief system might keep all uncertainty and fear away, keep the complexities and ambiguities of the world away. However, Salzberg spends much of the book discussing that deep faith, faith in the unknown and unknowable aspects of life comes only after one gets past this early stage. That spiritual maturity requires that we change the object of our faith from something external, a set of beliefs, a teacher, to something less definitive and internal. That like intimacy, faith requires us to willingly leap into the unknown.

I have no idea what’s going to happen as a result of this war that we are all, as a society, implicated in. Like so many things in this world, I have no control over this, and watching war coverage 24/7 won’t change that. But I guess I can try not to be so afraid, look for ways, once the dust settles, to try to effect some positive action. I guess I can try to resist my own ideological belief that everything that comes out of Donald Rumsfeld’s mouth is a lie.

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Being Peace

Being Peace
In the peace movement there is a lot of anger, frustration, and misunderstanding. The peace movement can write very good protest letters, but they are not yet able to write a love letter. We need to learn to write a letter to the Congress or to the President of the United States that they will want to read, and not just throw away. The way you speak, the kind of understanding, the kind of language you use should not turn people off. The President is a person like any of us.
Can the peace movement talk in loving speech, showing the way for peace? I think that will depend on whether the people in the peace movement can be peace. Because without being peace, we cannot do anything for peace. If we cannot smile, we cannot help other people to smile. If we are not peaceful, then we cannot contribute to the peace movement.

Thich Nhat Hanh

This morning, after being sucked into the war coverage despite myself, I went into my library in search of … what? Context? A reminder, as Wallace Shawn said in this essay , that since we are each capable of violence and anger, it’s our responsibility to turn to the better angels in order to resist succumbing to inner violence. So I pulled Being Peace off my bookshelf, and headed out to the front porch for a little downtime. A cup of tea. The puppy on my lap (he’s nearly too big), and the words written by this gentle man who has seen so much violence and terror. The world started to feel like it was on its axis once more. A reminder that even small efforts count. A reminder that calling Ari Fleisher a dickwad is not right speech, and doesn’t help the cause. Sigh.

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Louis Owens

… what Steinbeck is arguing in his writing is that we have to be responsible for what he terms the whole thing, known and unknowable, in a very deep way: that if you step into a tide pool, you have to realize that that step has changed the entire universe, and that will fit neatly into what Silko’s arguing in Ceremony, the whole sense of having to be careful, to walk in balance, to be responsible for knowing that every single act of humanity changes the world. Steinbeck was arguing that sixty years ago, before anybody in white America really was… Louis Owens

I’ve been meaning to write about Louis for some time now, but it was a ridiculous photo I saw on the San Francisco Chronicle website a couple of days back of troops preparing for battle by doing a “Seminole War Dance” that brought his spirit back into the room. It was the kind of thing that he would have laughed at, with that dark laugh of his, a laugh that for a long time managed to stay just ahead of the despair at its heart.

I’ve been thinking of Louis because he was the only writer I knew personally whose work took as its central question the real problem of evil, how evil walks in the world, how evil manifests itself in violence. Louis’s novels, particularly The Sharpest Sight, Bone Game and Dark River all take as their central question the ramifications of violence — on individuals, on cultures, on landscape and place. Louis is the guy I would have called, or emailed when I saw that silly photo, the guy I would have gone to because Louis had the singular ability to acknowledge your fear, your despair, your flagging faith with the kind of dark joke that could keep you going.

And I’ve been thinking of Louis, because for several days I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around the process that brings a person to the point where he or she feels entitled to kill another person. There was a death penalty advocate on NPR the other morning, I only heard a fragment of it, but he was saying that the Supreme Court’s recent stay of execution wouldn’t deter him from proceeding with executions even in the face of DNA evidence exonerating those on death row. Coming on the heels of our President’s weird television appearances in which it was clear that he was looking forward to going to war, that despite his words to the contrary, all his body language screamed how badly he wanted to go to war, that he really really wanted to go kill Iraquis, and that he felt fully entitled to do this, that he felt they deserved to be killed by him, I found myself missing Louis. So this morning, when I couldn’t sleep, I went to Google; I thought maybe I could find something of his out there about violence that would help me make sense of this process. There’s a section of the interview from which I pulled Louis’ quote about Steinbeck, where he and John Purdy discuss Vietnam. Louis didn’t go to Vietnam, but his beloved older brother Gene did, and came back deeply wounded by the experience. Gene disappeared one night, and it was thirty years before Louis found him again. (His essay Finding Gene describes the experience.) I thought this exchange about Dark River was interesting:

JP: … I like how you play with …the “week-end warrior” who is out there trying to experience the “thrill” of war . . .

LO: The militia . . .

JP: Yeah, but even more insidious than that in some ways, less blatant. The professional person who comes from the urban center to learn the ways of the “wilds” and to hunt humans. Then the convention of the Vietnam veteran, the Black OPS type of characters, and you take them all apart.

LO: Well, good. I�m glad you think that. And actually, the militia were inspired by a group of guys I ran into when I was backpacking on a reservation. They were wearing camouflage uniforms, out practicing war. Disneyland with weapons. I know there are people like that, practicing violence against others. ….

JP: That group is an interesting group because it has such a wide array of characters; they�re all participating in the same type of activity, but operating from different backgrounds and values, so there are these moments of crises for some of them: “Are we going to kill these women, or what?” It is no longer a game, and they have to decide.

LO: Ironically, in a group like that the most violent are often the individuals who never experienced war.

JP: They haven�t had to live the aftereffects.

LO: Well, yeah. You were in Vietnam. You know what I�m talking about. I wasn�t but my brother was there for three years and a lot of my friends were there and a number of them died there. It seems to me that it is almost always the people who haven�t experienced the immediacy of violence who are capable of getting involved in it as a game.

As a game. That’s certainly how it’s being portrayed on the television (yeah, yeah, I turned it on again last night despite my best intentions). As the latest, “realest,” reality TV. But those aren’t suckers who volunteered for some stupid tv show out there, they’re actual people who for any variety of reasons agreed to take up arms and defend our country (note: defense not offense) and despite the ways the media and the government are colluding to try to assure us that this is a “clean” war, that these strikes are “surgical” go read the guys who were there the last time, and what they have to say about the experience on the ground.

The doublespeak is so virulent right now. This morning’s newspaper is full of angry letters to the editor from people outraged by the peace demonstrations. There is this suffocating voice from the right, a voice so full of anger and hostility, calling for unanimity. Claiming that dissent is treason. Claiming that we all need to obey. Like my inability to figure out how someone makes it okay in their own head to go kill someone else, I don’t really understand why anyone would think a nation of people all lined up in lockstep agreement is a good thing. Unless maybe it’s denial at the heart of it all.

Louis says in the John Purdy interview:
I guess one thing I’m working on in most of my writing is the way America has tried, and continues to try, to bury the past, pretending that once it’s over we no longer need to think about it. We live in a world full of buried things, many of them very painful and often horrific, like passing out smallpox-infested blankets to Indians or worse, and until we acknowledge and come to terms with the past we’ll keep believing in a dangerous and deadly kind of innocence, and we’ll keep thinking we can just move on and leave it all behind. That’s a reason that one of Nightland’s protagonists, Will, ends up living on a ranch containing a world of buried things, including even a smashed Range Rover…. But he�s going to stay there. You can�t run from that buried history.
But you can try to shout down anyone who mentions it, I guess. You can start a war to “prove” our dangerous innocence.

Louis was my mentor and my friend. I can’t ask Louis any of the questions I want to ask him, the questions I’m posing in this entry, because on July 25 of last year, Louis put a gun to his chest and shot himself. Somehow the violence he’d spent his life exploring in fiction came off the page and claimed him. Louis’ friend Glen Martin said it best, expressed the shock and sorrow and anger many of us felt, still feel.

Violence begets only violence.

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My arborist agrees.

My arborist agrees. My local arborist came by to give me a quote on taking out an overgrown juniper that is way too close to the foundation (and shades the porch too much), and we got talking about the war. He said he’s really frustrated because he feels like there’s nothing he can do now but pray. And pruning helps, he said. Doesn’t change anything but a body sure does feel better after a couple of hours of pruning.
He said I did a pretty good job on the apple trees, too.

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Seeds for Hope

Seeds for Hope I sent off my seed orders the other day. Winter came late to Montana this year, but it’s here now, and with a vengence. It’s been snowing all week, and cold. The kind of grey winter weather where there is no horizon, just blowing white snow broken by the occasional grey-brown windbreak of dormant cottonwood trees. It is most certainly the dead of winter, and for the first time ever, now that I have a yard where I can really sink a garden in, I got to sit down and fill out the seed orders. I’ve been working on this order for a while, because while I’m planning to build raised beds, and use the French intensive method of cultivation, I also don’t want to get too terribly carried away. I want to plant a lot of different things, but not very many of each, and I’m planning to do a lot of succession planting, especially with the greens. So I got a tiny bit … obsessive perhaps about this seed order. I actually built a little database listing the seeds, planting instructions, where I ordered them from, days to maturity, things like that. I had to, because I was getting confused between the different catalogues, and although I really miss arugula and chinese broccoli, I didn’t want to duplicate my orders, nor did I want to forget something I really like to eat.

It’s a specific imaginative pleasure, ordering seeds. In the past I’ve spent far too much money buying started plants, but now that I have the space to grow seedlings, one of my personal goals is to get better at propagation. So this weekend I’m off to Home Depot to buy propagation supplies: some shop lights with grow-light tubes in them, a heating mat, some seedling trays. It feels like an act of hope to start tomato seedlings when the world outside is still buried under two feet of snow, and our president is waving his finger at us on the tv and dodging all real questions about why this war is necessary. I have this vision of my backyard that I’m working toward … an English-style kitchen garden, a flagstone patio I want to build, roses and iris along the fencelines, and all of us out there sitting at my table in the endless Montana summer twilight, eating out of the garden and off the grill. I’m still not sure that in a time of war this isn’t the worst sort of head-in-the-sand behavior, but on the other hand, at least it’s something peaceful, and homegrown, and … I don’t know, green.

I used three catalog companies, Nichols Garden Nursery, Shepherds Seeds, and my favorite over in Idaho, a company I’ve been waiting ten years to have a garden where I can try their Siberian Tomato varieties: Seed Trust/High Altitude Gardens. So because I have an inherent fondness for lists, and for plant names, here’s what I ordered: Carrots: Scarlet Nantes, Touchon Tomatoes: aurora, galina cherry, gold nugget cherry, grushovka, Jaunne flamme Greens: Arugula/Italian wild rustic, Bright Lights Chard, Buttercrunch lettuce, Fris�e, Merveille des Quatres Saisons Lettuce, mache, Red Sails Lettuce, Salad Bowl Lettuce, Tyee spinach, True French Sorrel, Wild garden chicory, Wild Garden kale mix, Cima di Rapa Broccoli Raab Chinese Veggies: Golden Flower Kale, White FLower Kale, Pai Tsai (short white stalk bok choy), Yu-Tsai Chinese Rape, Endemame Soybean, Chinese Eggplant Beans/Peas: French Flageolet bush bean, Chinese Long Bean, montana marvel pea, Precovelle Petits pois peas, Vernadon Bush Bean Alliums: Chinese Leek, French Shallots, King Richard Leek Herbs: Chervil, cilantro, Italian Mt. Basil, chives, plainleaf parsley, Survivor Parsley ,Thyme,True greek oregano Other Veggies: Brussel Sprouts, Cornichon cucumbers, Early Wonder Beets, Lemon Cucumbers, harris model parsnip, easter egg radish, French breakfast radish, toma verde tomatillo, cocozelle zucchini, Granpa�s home pepper, Gypsy pepper, Aci Sivri Turkish heirloom Pepper, Flowers: Calendula officianalis, Coreopsis tinctoria (plains coreopsis), Cosmos bipinnatus, Safflower, arnica Montana, Colorado Columbine, echinacea purpurea, Iceland poppy, Oxeye Daisy, Bergamot.

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Crisis of Faith at LivingSmall

Crisis of Faith at LivingSmall Well, I’ve been having something of a crisis of faith about this whole blogging thing — not about blogging itself, but rather, about how on earth blogging about my own tiny little corner of the universe could in any way be a meaningful activity in the face of the global crisis into which our government is leading us. I mean really, we’re going to war and I’m blogging about cleaning? about floor machines? Compared to really insightful bloggers like Body and Soul, or Rittenhouse, or Blue Streak, or the Nielsen Haydens at Electrolite and Making Light, I started feeling like a total slacker. But on the other hand, those folks are all doing such a magnificent job finding “the goods” and sending the rest of us the news, that writing that sort of blog just didn’t feel like my role. I learned a long time ago in my own writing practice that we don’t all do the same things well — for example, I don’t write short stories. I’ve written a few, but they’re not great, and it’s not a form I feel compelled by — the novel is my territory, the bigger format is what compels me. (Accepting this was a whole different crisis of faith, because after all, I was in graduate creative writing programs for seven years, and what does one do in workshop if not short stories?) So I stewed about my blogging problem for most of the week without coming up with any kind of an answer, and hence, my blog went untended.

And then Mr. Rogers died. I have to say, this felt like a very bad sign from the universe. If even Mr. Rogers was checking out, if even Mr.Rogers wasn’t going to stick around and remind us, in his gentle way that we all live in a neighborhood, and that despite being afraid much of the time, the answer to our fear lies in loving our neighbors, then how on earth were we going to get through this? The thing about Mr. Rogers was, that he was the one guy who never let us down. He was always his same kind, gentle, authentic self and with Mr. Rogers there were no scandals, no latter-day revelations that he was really an evildoer or liar or in any way different than the person he told us he was, than the person he demonstrated to us that he was. He was the guy who told a room full of self-centered television executives to bow their heads for ten seconds of live airtime and think of someone who had influenced them to be good. And they did. And we did at home. Mr. Rogers dying felt like the last nail in the coffin of hope.

Nonetheless, I went about my business. Edited technical docs all day, tried to write another page or two of my novel every morning, and found myself yesterday, on a cold and sunny Saturday afternoon circing around two of the four apple trees in my backyard on an eight-foot ladder doing some serious pruning. Dear departed Mrs. Warnick, who owned this house before me, was quite a gardener, but she was very very old by the time she left the building, and her sons are, from what I gather (it’s a small town, remember) something of a shiftless lot. So it had been a few years since the trees were pruned. And it’s that time of year here in Montana. So I got up there on the ladder with my hacksaw and my loppers, and I lopped. I lopped off all those suckers that were just going straight up into the sky, all those criss-crossing branches, hacksawed off the dead wood. I kept thinking of my pruning coach in the Bar and Grill the night before who told me “you can’t overprune an apple tree.” I’d lop for a while, then get down, stand back, take a look at the overall shape of my trees. It’s a gestalt kind of thing, pruning. Four hours later, I had a big pile of apple branches, some of which I passed over the fence to my neighbor Paula so she could put them in water inside and force some blooms out of them.

And then I thought, but what? I’m going to blog about pruning my trees? That’s sort of boring. Personally very satisfying, especially as the yard is starting to come together a little bit, but compared to the nation going to war, my little tale of being happy in my backyard while pruning seemed, to borrow a word from Jim Harrison, otiose.

Today was the last of the Danforth Film Festival which finished up by showing Bowling for Columbine. To tell the truth, I wasn’t as excited about this one as were a lot of people in town. I figured it would just be the same sort of Michael Moore ambush that we’d gotten enough of on his television show, but that’s the beauty of buying the pass — you go to all the films because you’ve already paid for them. What I didn’t expect was Moore’s careful dissection of the culture of fear in America and its relation to violence of both the personal and national variety. The South-Park-esque cartoon history of America as a story of scared white men lashing out at others in order to alleviate their fear, which is, of course, bottomless, seemed like a particularly brilliant exegesis of the Four Noble Truths. What I really didn’t expect was a movie in which Marilyn Manson is the voice of reason as he deconstructs the cynical sybiosis between fearmongering and consumerism (they make us afraid with sensational “news” broadcasts, then show us seductive ads for products that will soothe us, then scare us again). As the movie progressed, I got thinking about fear. My morning started out with a really angry email in reply to a UN peace petition I’d forwarded (that had been sent to me by my dad). Now, I’d actually sent this to my old boyfriend, with whom I’ve stayed in touch all these years, and the reply from his wife was along the lines of “how could you send this to me?” and was full of dudgeon about how she was a lifelong republican, and there was lots of of might-makes-right reasoning and arguments about how all the nukes had actually ended the cold war, and how we have a right to go invade all these countries because they threaten us. I didn’t actually read it that carefully (since the whole argument just kind of scared me), but since they live in Manhattan, and because this is someone of whom I’m fond, I tried to just say “we respectfully disagree” — but it rankled all day. It was so full of fear and lashing out. I grew up in a family where when afraid, people lashed out (some of them still do). It took me a long time, and a lot of therapy, and a return to Faith (of my own odd hybrid Catholic/Buddhist variety) to realize that being lashed out at had never actually made me want to be a better person, that it was only those people who had been kind even when I didn’t deserve it who inspired me to be kinder, more loving, nicer. Who taught me that being nice didn’t mean you were a pushover, or weak.

So I was thinking of this while watching Bowling for Columbine, and it occurred to me that maybe there is a place in the blogosphere for my little tales of pruning, for my little tales of reclaiming this patch of ground way out here in Montana. It occurred to me that one could possibly see building a garden in a time of war as a small act of rebellion, as a way of manifesting hope in a time of despair. And then it hit me, as I was walking home, that Lent begins this week, and perhaps as my lenten practice, I’ll concentrate on resisting the temptation to live in fear. It’s personal. It’s small. But what if I just started here, in my little space in Montana, and went to Mass a lot during Lent (I’m going to try for daily Mass, but we’ll have to see), and what if I sat on my zafu and did some lovingkindess meditation? What if, radically, I tried to do some lovingkindness meditation for those people I know who believe in this war? Starting with the wife of my ex-beau? Maybe, although I’m not quite ready to commit to this yet, I could try even to send some lovingkindness energy out toward Cheney and Bush (that would be a lenten pennance!). What if I ordered seeds for my vegetable garden and built the raised beds as a peace protest? Maybe, if I try to be conscious about it, maybe if I try to consecrate my little house as a space dedicated to peaceful thought, to right speech, to growing those things I can grow here, then maybe even if it’s a small effort, it can be a place from which good energy can ripple out? I don’t know what else to do, really. It still seems like kind of a futile, or potentially self-important kind of project. But it might just be what I can do. I called this blog LivingSmall because I wanted to explore the challenges and ramifications of choosing to keep things smaller, of resisting the American siren call of bigness. So maybe in ways I didn’t really understand at the time I was working toward a place where tales of pruning, of growing a backyard vegetable garden, of walking to the movies might be my own small answer to those enormous terrifying forces at work out there.

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