Birthday again …

Patrick would be 42 today — it’s always a bittersweet day, to say the least. But even though he’s no longer with us, I like to celebrate his memory on his birthday. Like the Day of the Dead when we decorate graves with flowers and take our dead relatives their favorite foods and drinks as a way of reminding them, and ourselves, that although we’ve been separated, we never really do lose on another.

So tonight we’re all having dinner tonight at our friend Jim’s restaurant. We had Patrick’s last birthday there — it was a fun and festive evening — and at one point my darling brother, wearing a kid’s blue cone-shaped birthday hat, looked up from the end of the table to make a toast. “Despite some setbacks,” he said. “This has been one of the happiest years of my life. Thank you for being such great friends and for welcoming us into your lives.”

And so, in memory of Patrick, a guy who had to start over more times than anyone should have had to, and who was nonetheless someone who managed to keep looking for the positive in every situation, here’s a great post at zen habits called “Why Living a Life of Gratitude Can Make You Happy.”

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Madeleine L’Engle

You’ve probably seen by now that Madeleine L’Engle has died. Despite having been the kind of kid who could walk between classes with my nose in a book and never bump into anyone (I also became very quick at taking tests because we were free to read after we were done), I was never a big fan of A Wrinkle in Time. As a kid, I had a horror of stories where things turned into other things — Alice in Wonderland, for example. Perhaps it’s because I had the kind of life where 180s were all too common, where people disappeared for good, where chaos was too much the norm.
However, in my twenties, I stumbled across A Circle of Quiet the first of L’Engle’s Crosswicks Journals. I devoured these four books, books that chronicled L’Engle’s marriage, motherhood, the death of her mother (who I’m shocked to find from the review on Amazon, was born during the Civil War — can you imagine? We’re still in some cases, only two generations away from the Civil War?) and most fascinating for me, the growth of her faith.

L’Engle was an Episcopalian, and for many many years she held a position at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine in New York City. It’s been years since I’ve looked at any of these books, but I remember them vividly as a series that glowed like a beacon, gave me hope that perhaps it was actually possible to live a good life — to raise kids, write, build a marriage, and find some sort of faith that wasn’t blind, but was a faith that required all of one’s intellect.

I read these books in an old, broken-down farmhouse at the bottom of a holler in North Carolina. I had a room that opened onto the porch in a house I shared with three or four other people, and I was working as a raft guide for something like sixty bucks a week. I’d just fled New York City, and didn’t have the foggiest idea what I was going to do next with my life, and I’ll always be grateful to Madeleine L’Engle for giving me a kind of hope that somehow, if I followed my confused heart, and tried to live what my college Classics professor called “a virtuous life”, that somehow, I’d find a way to build a real life.

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Meditation at Lagunitas

All the new thinking is about loss.
In this it resembles all the old thinking.
The idea, for example, that each particular erases
the luminous clarity of a general idea. That the clown-
faced woodpecker probing the dead sculpted trunk
of that black birch is, by his presence,
some tragic falling off from a first world
of undivided light. Or the other notion that,
because there is in this world no one thing
to which the bramble of blackberry corresponds,
a word is elegy to what it signifies.
We talked about it late last night and in the voice
of my friend there was a thin wire of grief, a tone
almost querulous. After a while I understood that,
talking this way, everything dissolves: justice,
pine, hair, woman, you
and I. There was a woman
I made love to and I remembered how holding
her small shoulders in my hands sometimes,
I felt a violent wonder at her presence
like a thirst for salt, for my childhood river
with it’s island willows, silly music from the pleasure boat,
muddy places where we caught the little orange-silver fish
called pumpkinseed. It hardly had to do with her.
Longing, we say, because desire is full
of endless distances. I must have been the same to her.
But I remember so much, the way her hands dismantled bread,
the thing her father said that hurt her, what
she dreamed. There are moments when the body is as numinous
as words, days that are the good flesh continuing.
Such tenderness, those afternoons and evenings,
saying blackberry, blackberry, blackberry.

From Praise, Robert Hass, 1974

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Baudrillard and Kundera

Jean Baudrillard has died in Paris at age 79. I went off to the University of Utah with a running start on Place Last Seen, a novel in which I wanted to explore, among other things, what happens when we come up against the undeniable reality of the physical world. What I encountered there was a department enamored of the (genuinely interesting) ideas of Baudrillard, Foucault, Derrida et al, ideas which in Baudrillard’s case included the argument that reality has disappeared altogether, leaving us with only simulation and hyperreality. While I never did buy into the essentialist cast of these arguments, I did find these ideas useful (especially Baudrillard’s writing on maps, which are a core image in PLS). I was writing about a group of characters who come up against the hard reality that a child is lost in an actual wilderness that will not yield to anyone’s concepts about it — not to the search and rescue leader’s faith in rationalism, not to Ed’s more mystical intuitive approach, nor to Anne’s unshakeable belief that she is so psychically attuned to her baby that she can find her. It seems astonishing in retrospect how much time I wasted arguing about whether “reality” “exists”, but aside from that tedium, it’s good to be reminded that there is much about Baudrillard’s work, particularly on consumerism and the unrelenting welter of imagery and communication in which we all now live (including of course, our beloved internets) that bears a second look.

This trip down the memory lane of “theory” (or, as it was always pronounced: “Theory“) comes close on the heels of this interesting review of Kundera’s new book The Curtain: An Essay in Seven Parts. I bought a lot of books in Seattle, and the Kundera was one I picked up and put down in about three different bookstores. Gary Kamiya began his review in Salon the other day with a quote: A “novel that fails to reveal some hitherto unknown bit of existence is immoral.” Despite the nearly eight years that have passed since I finished graduate school, there was a tiny voice in my head saying “existence? does existence even exist?” It’s hard to kill all that indoctrination. But it strikes me, this plea to reanimate a certain modernist literary project, that a writer’s duty is the illumination of existence, the exposure of aspects of the world that have heretofore gone unexamined, unnoted. It was what I was after in PLS, and what I’m still trying to do in this new book. I have no interest in writing like Virginia Woolf, for example, or even Joyce, but their models give me hope that I can find a way to use words and sentences and paragraphs to open up some new aspect of experience.

For me this is why writing, even writing about very dark subjects, is essentially an act of hope. And it’s why I found the cynicism inherent in ideas that posited the impossibility of contact with “reality” so destructive to my own artistic project (while at the same time I found the process of wrestling to define what it was that so upset me in these works was, while painful, a useful experience in the end).

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Faith is in the Tagline …

One byproduct of revamping the blog is that due to various formating issues, I’ve had to touch just about every entry again. It gives a girl a chance to rethink the blog — why I started it, what I want to do with it.
Among the many things I noticed was that although I started out with faith as a real topic on this blog (see the Fourteen Precepts in Fourteen Days series from 2003), it’s not something I’ve written about much in the last couple of years. There are a number of reasons for that, of course, and cruising through Salon last night Sara Miles‘s essay, My Daily Bread got me thinking once again about my own on-and-off relationship with the Catholic church.

Because there was a time during graduate school when I was a fully-fledged member of a parish, a lector in the Mass rotation, a person who wound up being quite good friends with a couple of the priests. This was just about the last thing I’d expected to happen to me, especially while I was in grad school up to my eyeballs in postmodern theory. I wrote a monologue for the Salt Lake Acting company about it, The Stigmata Incident — it’s linked on the left.

When I moved to Livingston, I went to Mass a few times. It’s an ordinary family parish here, with a priest from the midwest who sounds like all those diocesan priests I grew up listening to. Not a bad church, but since I wasn’t in the dire spiritual straights I’d been in grad school, I didn’t really mind much. I went a few times during advent or lent but it never became a real part of my life.

And then my brother Patrick died. Three and a half years ago I stood in a doorway of a little room in the funeral home where my younger brother lay on a gurney, naked, covered with a sheet.

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